dear diary 6-9-14

great 

finally, it looks like my mom finally supports me in such a little amount of time.

 i'm just happy she cares about me now.

dear diary 6-6-14

 Hell in a house of "safety"

On 6-5-14 I got my ASS BEATEN I have bruises all over my body; fortunately for me you can barely see them. I was desperate for safety. My own mother was beating me with my drum sticks. Every beat I got was every love was taken away from my mother. Every day that passes by I have no love for my mother.

I cannot be myself anymore, now I’m recognized as "the shame of the family". I have always been gay my whole life. Many people say being gay is a choice, but it’s not. God loves all people and god chose me to love the people who are exactly like me. I as a gay person and I am proud, I may be young, but I know I am.

When I was younger say like 13 years old, I would cry almost every-night. No matter how hard I tried denying it, I knew it was true. I've have always been this way my whole entire life. Thankfully, I grew to accept the person I was. A few of my friends know, but not all of them know. I distance myself from many people.

Recently, I've been smoking marijuana but my mom doesn't know. The only thing she found was a hookah pen. A hookah pen is an object which you can smoke a nicotine substance from, but you can also replace it with water and it will still have the same effect. You cannot get high from it, but for me it’s like an escape from reality.

When I smoke marijuana I’m just by myself reflecting on life, imagining scenarios that might possibly never in my life come true. It’s sad to say that I’m only a 15 year old girl living in an estate like this but trust me one day I will overcome this life and live the life I've always wanted to live. A life that I will love, I will explore the world with my partner, hopefully that partner will soon come to me.

dear diary 6-4-14

sorry for being gay 

it was 9:14 p.m. i have recently told my own mother that i was gay. my mother doesn't like gays at all , she considers them as a "species of sorts" and cowicedensly her own daughter was gay. unfortunately for her i'm never going to change for someone... even for my own mom. yes, she is my mom but she has been so angry, that she has started hitting me for the most smallest things. honestly, i just want to get out of this hell-hole and leave forever.

 it has gotten so bad that i just feel like dying (but obviously i wont take my own life) but... it is has been in consideration for a pretty long time. sometimes she just cries out of nowhere. i feel bad sometimes because her worst fear was that her daughter was gay, but sorry to say but i am.

i already told my godmother and she fully supports me. i am thankful that she supports me because if she didn't then i would have honestly died (not literally). but, i would have been a mess.

currently at 9:27 my mother is crying in her bed, and still for the same reason. it saddens me to make my mother cry but at the same time no at all. she just hit me like 10 minutes ago. so, at the same time ..




got to go sorry :(